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GUTSPILLS...just spill your guts.

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[08 Mar 2010|07:08pm]

Friends and foes I welcome thee to the end of my life.
Come one and all to the show. We promise strobe lights and free cheese.
But really kids there's nothing to see here.

Jon... don't be a pussy, fuckin talk to me.
x spill

take me, i need your hand. [11 Oct 2009|10:45pm]

[ mood | irate ]

the titles of these posts are just lines from songs i happen to be listening to at the time.
yes, i'm back. the idea of writing something - anonymously, and i bet no one's actually reading this at all - was something i kept thinking about, so here i am.
you know what makes me angry (oh yes, it's one of those posts)?
people who are jerks and don't know they're jerks.
like, for example, people who complain at - let's say - mcdonald's about minute things. so you had to wait in line for a bit? it was busy, or the orders before you were big, or there were hassles. so you had to wait for your food? we're making it fresh for your benefit, not ours, it takes time. apples pies especially, so it's your fault if you order them. if we say "oh, there's no pies down, so you might have to wait awhile" and you choose to wait and then you choose to complain, i mean, what's the point?
what the hell did you achieve?
you've got your food. leave. jesus christ, you're taking up your own damn time to complain about this when you could be doing something productive.
most of the people working at mcdonald's are kids under 18, and damnit, we're taking time out of our own lives - which we could be spending dealing drugs or having underage sex, so be glad about that if anything - to serve you food.  you could cook! you could go somewhere else! no one is forcing you to go to mcdonald's! we need money, this is a job. it's not all about you. if you complain, we think you're a jerk. we'll laugh at you when you leave. nobody is in awe or impressed. you're a jerk having a go at kids to make yourself feel better.
do you feel better?
i bet you don't.

oh god, this turned into a rant. i have tapped into a well of anger. i apologise.
on another note, i feel like a cheeseburger.

x spill

spill the ink, spill your guts again. [10 Oct 2009|05:42pm]


i really don't have anything interesting to say, i just wanted to post because i changed my layout slightly.

and i wanted to see what it's like to have a blog.

who knows, maybe i'll start writing? heavens knows i've got a shit load of stories in my head.

i'm just sort of worried this'll turn into one of those "i went to the toilet today, here's five things i like about toilets..."

it's not very interesting. not to say i am extremely interesting, but i'd rather not talk about toilets.

know what i mean?

my point is: damn, ain't this some interesting layout?

x spill

[01 Sep 2009|11:18pm]

[ mood | chipper ]

i'm guessing kissing a sick person while you're sick doesn't constitute as a good idea.
after all, two sickies don't make a healthy.
but what can you do when it's young love?
spread new mutations of the cold back and forth of course!
and not to mention mono.
i feel winter a burnin already.

x spill

[02 Aug 2009|03:59am]

When a stranger approaches me, tells me I look nice and asks for my number, I can't help but feel like they aren't serious...like they did it on a dare and they're just waiting to laugh at me and go "HA! Like anyone would seriously be interested in you."

This feeling is doubled if the encounter happens in Wal-mart while I'm looking at pillowcases.

I mean, honestly he wasn't bad-looking, and it must have taken a hell of a lot of balls, but I told him I didn't have a phone and he'd have to contact me by carrier pigeon.

I don't think I'm going to hear back from him.

Poor us.
(2)oops, i see a xx spill

[30 Mar 2009|10:28pm]

[ mood | artistic ]

I’m not the fucking person that I used to be
And these days, I don’t feel like I’m even me.
My existence feels like it was fucking cheated.
I know me well enough to know when I’m defeated.
Something about the stains on my white dress.
Makes me feel like I’m something even less.
And I ask too much for everyone to be impressed,
But I’m up against myself, the lines reading stressed.
And I’m losing a war against invisible stains.
Loss of innocence is my emotional drain.
I’m tired of making all these nothing apologies.
From a hundred different mouths of a hundred different me’s.
I’m tired of selling myself short.
I never ask when I’m wanting more.
The losers let me win the game,
And I know it well enough, to know that’s pretty lame.
What’s bitter is pity, I spit it out pretty,
My mouth tastes like chalk, I can’t even talk.
I know what I say will be wrong,
Locked up on my tongue, bloody hands being wrung,
Cause I am not me. I am not free. I’ve got things handed to me.
But I am not pleased. I am locked by my insecurity.
Clinging to a girl I never was.
If I tell you I’m not me, don’t believe it.
It’s just because
I don’t want you to see it.
That I lost my innocence long ago.
And there’s no way I’m getting it back, no way I’m letting go.
Yes, I’m me. But that doesn’t make me happy.

x spill

[06 Feb 2009|07:10pm]

I'm absolutely scared I'm getting into it for the wrong reasons
That I'm destined never to fall in love again the way they fall for me.
Oh boo hoo. I know. But I don't let myself.
So I'm making myself. I have done before. But this time I mean it.
Stupid to say but there it is.
Spilling my guts out like wine.
(4)oops, i see a xx spill

[01 Jan 2009|07:46pm]


The jig is up.
I've kept my secrets close.
I've kept my heart closed.
The truth is, what i have to spill is,
I'm a writer with nothing to say.

x spill

Stepping Stone [26 Oct 2008|01:12am]

I went to Tuscaloosa with my boyfriend the other day. We went out with a group of his high school buddies. I'd never met them, and he hadn't seen any of them in at least two years. We get to the apartment and all of a sudden Josh is overrun with guys screaming his name, jumping on him, so excited to see him. For the rest of the night and the whole next day, these guys and girls could not get over their excitement in seeing him again.

The next day, I went to visit some friends that I hadn't seen in two years, either. People who used to be major parts of my world. When I walked into the apartment, I got a "Hey Val", and everyone kept their seats. We watched the game on tv, small talked a little, then all parted ways. I got one quick hug before heading out the door.

The whole scene got me thinking about my place in these people's lives. I am no longer friends with anyone I went to high school with. The only connection I have to any of them is through facebook and myspace. My college friends are spread far and wide now, and we just don't keep in touch like I thought we would. I've recently moved from St. Pete, FL to Nashville, TN, and have already lost most contact to my friends there.

If I were to get married next weekend I wouldn't have anyone to really be a bridesmaid.

I have been there for these people, we have suffered and rejoiced together. We have been great friends who seemed inseparable. But once we are separated, I find I'm nothing more than a stepping stone in their lives. I am not a necessity, or even someone worth some excitement. I came, I was there, I am gone.

Once you've taken that step, you keep walking, and that step no longer has meaning.
x spill

Something close to my heart [17 Feb 2008|01:48pm]

My uncle passed away in August 2006. He was an incredible man who fought to live his entire life. Incredibly, he lived to his fifties. Twice he was saved by someone's willingness to share their organs with someone who needed them more than they did. He had two liver transplants sometime when I was a child. Without them, his life would have been cut short much sooner.

We all have to die some day. Its just a fact of life. But what if you can use your own death to enable others to live? Like a fireman rescuing someone from a fire and never making it out himself... you can be that hero.

If you have not decided to be an organ donor, or if you have not informed your family of that decision, take some time to think about it. You have the power to save lives.

I'll leave you with one link; there are so many others out there as well. Check this out and research further if you wish... Make a choice. Save lives.

x spill

[10 Aug 2007|12:06am]

i swore i'd never feel like this again.

but i can't help it. i really want to cut again, but moreso, i just want to stop existing. it's not like i really could kill myself, but it runs through my mind almost constantly and has been for the past two days. i don't have anything to live for anymore, at least that's how it feels.

the truth is, you're this close to losing me.

but i don't want to be lost.

i am your best friend, i am more than that as well. but if you fucking treat me like this continuously, i don't know how much longer i'll put up with it.

today our conversation was:
"him: hey
him: i'm over [my texting limit] because of you
me: hey!
him: :|
me: ...
me: :x
me: that is bad
him: yeah it is
him: meanie pants
me: :[
me: i apologizeeeee
him: that doesn't fix anything!
him: xD
me: XD
me: i'll pay you? XD
him: i'm just not gonna talk to you forever
me: @!13
me: that's not nice! :-(
me: so how is life minus going over?
him: do you not understand the non talkingness?
me: ..:\
him: haha
him: ok
him: it's ok
him: i went to the y this morning
me: ..!
me: xD
me: how was it?
him: great
him: i got a great workout
me: heh
me: that's good
him: gtg
him: getting yelled at cause of you "

was it yesterday that you told me to be carefree? well i tried that. i tried not giving a fuck about what was happening, i tried looking on the positive side, i tried being constantly optimistic -- and hey for once, it worked. but then you go and say this, and really, how the fuck am i supposed to respond? am i supposed to shrug it off and say, 'hey i don't care about that', well you know what, i fucking can't. because i actually do care what you say to me, i care what you think of me, i care how are relationship (or lack there fucking of) is.

and then worst of all, i waited for you to get online. but it kills me to sit at my computer and wait.

my fucking away message asks you to call. and you don't. i saw you were online for 40 minutes. no call. nothing. not even a message left, not an apology, explanation, or a fucking hello.

i can't be your summer booty call anymore, okay?

i just want you to care about me.
x spill

[01 Aug 2007|06:49pm]

Nothing hurts me as much as knowing you put yourself in harms way simply to enjoy a few too many beers. I love you so much and it hurts to know you risk your life for that. I know you only left because you couldn't stand to see me cry, but don't you see I'm crying because I'm scared? If I lost you... it just can't happen.

I love you. Be careful. Come home to me safely.

I've never known just what it meant to not be able to live without someone.
x spill

[15 May 2007|09:57pm]

i hate how i fell so hard for you. these past few days i've been thinking so much about you. & it hurts so bad because i know i can't have you. but i want you. maybe i shouldn't have waited till your show to tell you i like you. maybe i shouldve spoken sooner. i feel like a coward for not saying anything. does she really make you happy?. if she does, then okay. i'm happy for you. i think what sucks the most about this is that i can be so fucking angry at you for leading me on like that. but i know sooner or later i'm just going to forgive and forget. im really not the type to have any regrets but right now, i regret never telling you how i feel about you.
x spill

help me! [15 May 2007|05:04pm]

[ mood | cynical ]

should i change me or should i keep being me?
i hate being laughed at..
should i not care that people know i'm bi?

(6)oops, i see a xx spill

[23 Apr 2007|12:49am]

I know that if I wound up getting pregnant, none of our plans would change except the time that we started having kids.

I know that we fight over stupid things and that they pull us apart briefly only to bring us closer.

I know that he's only 21 and has always been a very independent spirit.

And I know that I'm impatient, but I just can't wait to say yes to him, and then to say I do.
x spill

[22 Apr 2007|11:09am]

I don't spill my guts to total strangers often, but some things have been happening lately, and I need someplace to put it down:

My parents have been married for 32 years. Of those years, probably about 28 of them were relatively happy. Now, they hate each other and won't talk to each other even though they still live together. My mother sleeps on a lazy boy recliner while my dad gets a bed. He goes out of town for work without telling my mom, and doesn't come back for weeks. He uses her money to do fun things while she works to put my brother through college.

On top of this, my older sister lives at home with them and her two little boys. She mooches off of them. She wa ssupposed to be "saving money," which she has saved none in the year she's lived there. She's completely ungrateful and self-centered. She yells at everyone and has this martyr complex (Which, admittedly, is common in my family), and refuses to take responsibility for the life choices she has made. It only exacerbates the situation with my parents because she isn't a good mother to her kids which makes my mom want to intercede on their behalf.

Last night I got the news that my father has been talking to a lawyer. This is all shady, because nobody is supposed to know. By the way, I'm 24. He is using these passive-aggressive tactics like leaving things out where others can find them instead of just talking about them. He talks to no one. Now, I know that a divorce is the best thing for them, but I'm terribly worried that my mom is going to lose out on a LOT...she has given her life for him and for my siblings and me. She started work to send us to college. She doesn't have a great support network outside me and some of my siblings. She won't, I don't think, fight to get what she needs from my father (who makes a LOT of money).

I feel torn, because I don't want to take sides, but my mom really needs someone more than my dad. Not only that, but I'm a first grade teacher and the emotional toll that this takes on me affects my work at times, and at least my ability to concentrate on planning, etc. I don't want to be involved in this, but I feel like I have no choice. I live in the same city as them and am seriously SERIOUSLY considering moving far away so as to not have to deal as closely with it, but that also makes me worry about my mom even more. I don't know what to do...I can't stay for them when they are being awful, but if I go then what will happen to my mom?

Like I said, I don't do this, not reeally...but I can't even deal with it anymore. I feel like a drama queen, but I've seriously had it up to HERE.
x spill

fuck [21 Apr 2007|05:10pm]

[ mood | horny ]

i'm a bi and i posted it before....

and now i wanna spill my guts to saying that i really wanna fuck a teacher!!i'm so fucking in love with her and i wanna do the things i've been thinking about!! i wanna make out and kiss her clits..!!fuck..is this wrong? she's 34 and i'm 16..is that messed up or what?

(1)oops, i see a xx spill

why? [18 Apr 2007|01:33pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

why do i have to be judged just because i'm a bisexual?!i don't choose my sexuality!i'm just attracted to men and women.. i can't help it... =[

(3)oops, i see a xx spill

lazy people annoy me [17 Apr 2007|09:41pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

i was in my first-year seminar class today. we went to the computer lab to work on our second paper. there were about 7 of us today. within less than 30 minutes, (the class is 2 hrs), i was the only one left. bc they didn't feel like working on it then. get over it! you're there to do work. period. you're not there to decide what classwork you'll do and what you won't. you're there to do work! i realized today that there are alot of lazy people in this world! litterbugs who just can't bear to pull over at the next trashcan and instead dirty up this beautiful world with their crap. people who quit their jobs bc it's too much work or who just stop coming bc it's too much work. it's a job. it's a workplace. get over it! lazy people annoy me!!!!!!!!!

(1)oops, i see a xx spill

[12 Apr 2007|10:16pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

I'm feeling paralyzed by anxiety.

x spill

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